Great Expectorations

Here is my list of ten classic works adapted for parents of small children.

1. Great Expectorations, in which young Estella, instead of being coached to break the hearts of men, is trained to spit up all over them.

2. “The Lullaby of J. Alfred Prufrock.” Highlights: “I have measured my life in baby food jars,” “I have heard my parents singing, each to each / No, you go pick her up / I am asleep,” and “In the room mommies come and go / hoping their nursing bras don’t show.”

3. The White Badge of Courage, in which heroic parents are lauded for the spit-up stains on their shirts.

4. War and Pacifiers, featuring a number of babies with misleading nicknames who battle and philosophize over a long stretch of snow-covered binkies.

5. “Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Nap.” The speaker, a toddler, advises a younger sibling to rage, rage against the efforts of the mom.

6. As I Lay Diapering, in which a mother attempts to sleep while changing a diaper in the middle of the night.

7. Blubbering Heights. Two parents moan and cry for each other across the expanse of their bed, held apart by the kicking arms and legs of their young child.

8. One Day in the Life of Mama Denisovich chronicles a day in the life of a stay-at-home mom tethered to her child in a setting eerily similar to that of a Siberian prison camp. No bon-bons or soap operas included.

9. The (Rude) Awakening. A frustrated mother sets out to leave her family, then realizes she will surely starve without her husband because she doesn’t know how to cook. Returns home.

10. Babywulf. A colicky infant terrorizes a medieval household.

4 Responses to “Great Expectorations”
  1. Vicki R. says:

    hahhaha – my faves are #1, #4 & #10 – well done! 🙂

  2. Dana says:

    Hahahaha, you are a goofball.

  3. Ana says:

    Hilarious! I love it! I am still smiling 🙂

  4. Randi says:

    Oh my gosh…you have to sent that to Reader’s Digest or something!!! I am serious!

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